Monday, October 24, 2011

The Old West

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender.

The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place.

He tells the timid man, “If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He’s the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!”

A few weeks pass uneventfully.

But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, “Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!”

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he’s knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he’s picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, “I want a beer NOW!!”

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. “Do you want another beer?” the bartender calls out.

“Dang it, I don’t have time!!” the big man yells. “I gotta get out of town!!! Didn’t ya hear Big John is a-comin??”

Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.

He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

He's Moving!

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,” I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

Jonah & the Whale

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.

Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Medical Check-up





An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup.

The man goes in first.

“How’re you doing?” asks the doctor.

“Pretty good,” answers the old man. “I’m eating well, and I’m still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.”

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife.

“How’re you feeling?” he asks. “I’m doing well,” answers the old woman. “I still have lots of energy and I’m not feeliing any pain.”

The doctor says, “That’s nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though – your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?”

“Oh No,” says the woman, “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again.”

Yell For Help


The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.

Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – ” he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

Two's Company




A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks he's stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”



How Poor People Can Be

“One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.

When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

“Very good Dad!”

“Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked.

“Yeah!”

“And what did you learn?”

The son answered, “I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars.

Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon.”

When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added, “Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!”





Why Groom Wear Black




Eight-year-old Amanda sat quietly in church at her mother’s side. It was the first wedding Amanda had ever attended.

She leaned toward her mother and whispered,”Why is the bride dressed in white?”

Wishing to keep it simple, her mother explained, “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life,”

Amanda nodded and asked, “Why is the groom wearing black?”



Thursday, October 20, 2011

You're Next



When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, they hug me like a rag doll, poke me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Tough Guy



A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

Chocolate Peanuts



Linda goes to visit her grandmother and she brings along her friend with her.

While she’s talking to her grandmother, her friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they’re leaving, her friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”

El Matador



An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si Señor, sometimes the bull wins.”

For Women Only

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.”

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.”

Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.”

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Runnin' from the Law



A man in his 40′s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The bubble top was stowed, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Birth Control

The most effective birth control method known to man.



Natural Cuisine


A man walks into a local coffee shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger.

He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his surprise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.

He says, “That’s disgusting!”

Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting? You should see him make donuts.”

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Nervous Cab Driver




A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

The Love Dress



A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.

“It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said.

E-mail from Beyond

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


“Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


P.S. Sure is hot down here!”

Holy Water

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. The priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.

She said, “I had sex with a guy.” The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So
she did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.

She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.” So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did!

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.

And as she was laughing she said, “I pissed in the holy water!”

Divine Intervention

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. “Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!”

But the preacher just replied “Don’t worry God will save me.”

The man then said “Whatever!” and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said “Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!”

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied “Don’t worry God will save me.”

The man then said “Whatever!!” and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said “Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!”

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied “Don’t worry God will save me.”

With that the man said “Whatever!” and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said “Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!”

The man still just stood there and replied “Don’t worry God will save me.”

And with that the man said “Whatever” and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.

He then saw God and asked “God! Why didn’t you save me from that horrible flood?!?”

God then replied, "I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!!"

What else do you want from me?!”

Spell & Enter

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her-”Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you”.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get
 in?”

“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you”, the woman said.

“How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her.

“I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him.

“Which word?”, her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Choices in Hell

A man dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, “You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.”

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable.

He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable.

Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

“Hmmm,” he says, “that looks bad, but it’s better than the other two. I’ll take the third door.”

Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, “Alright, coffee break’s over, everyone back on your heads!”

Bothered Doctor



Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Dave, you’re a vet…”

Worst Day


There’s this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.



The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here,… I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life.

First, I sleep through the alarm, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me.

When leaving the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to return home, and when I get-off, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home, and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!”




Green - eyed Portrait


When a woman decided to have her portrait painted she told the artist;

“Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said.

“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

Cyber Birth

A little boy goes to his father and asks: “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I setup a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got a Male!

The Queen vs. the Princess


The Princess
An Air Canada cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: “Captain Craig has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”


The Queen
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines.” he said, “I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can putty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch.”

The Priest & the Taxman


Mr. S A Kim - the Nasty Taxman
The Revenue Authority sends his auditor (a typical short nasty man) to audit a church.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Priest and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Priest.

“Well, Father, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked

“A good question,” noted the Priest.

“We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…

“Father, what about all these bread purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the bread?

“Ah, yes,” replied the Priest calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of puddings.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Priest

“Well, Father,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Priest. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the  Revenue Authority.”

“To the Revenue Authority?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Priest, “directly to the Revenue Authority… and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

The Fervent Journalist

The scene is a newspaper office.

The editor says to one of his reporters: There’s a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don’t worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local Press Bureau Office and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and tells the pilot: Let’s go, take off.

As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, ‘See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.’

Incredulous, the pilot says, ‘You want me to fly over that fire?’

‘Sure,’ the reporter says, ‘I am a photojournalist and that’s why I am here–to take dramatic shots of the fire!’

The pilot looks over with a puzzle look on his face and says, ‘You’re not the flight instructor?’

The Human Brain & Illusion


Mystify your mind with the following pictures;


1. Observe this first picture...





Is it moving?




2. Now try this one...







Still moving?




3. Concentrate on the "cross" in the middle, after a while you will notice that this moving purple dot will turn green.

Concentrate at the cross a bit longer and you will notice that all dots except the green one will disappear.










The Phenomenal Power of the Human Mind

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.



Cool, isn't it?


Thursday, October 6, 2011

How The West Was Lost

We've all heard how the west was won, but in this song it'll tell us how the west was lost.

Hell Freezes Over is a live album by the Eagles released in 1994.  The Eagles had gotten back together after a 14-year-long break up. Their resumption tour would be given that title after the statement Don Henley once gave when asked when the band would get back together. He commented that the band would play together again "when Hell freezes over."

One cut from Hell Freezes Over album is entitled, The Last Resort.






Credits: TheSniper1961 Channel, YouTube 

Rolling In The Deep

Adele is an English singer- songwriter and the first living artist to achieve the feat of two top five hits in both the UK Official Singles Chart and the Official Albums Chart simultaneously since The Beatles in 1964. Her album entitled "21" has spent eleven consecutive weeks at number one in the UK, the longest ever by a female solo artist on the UK Albums Chart.

"Rolling in the Deep" has reached number one in eleven countries and top five in several other countries. The song has also become Adele's first number-one song in the U.S., reaching the top spot of four Billboard charts. "Rolling in the Deep" spent seven weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, the longest-running number-one single of 2011 so far. In July, the video was nominated for seven MTV Video Music Awards nominations, making it the most nominated music video of the year.

The video won three awards: Best Editing, Best Cinematography and Best Art Direction.




Credits: Adele Vevo

Tired of Toein' the Line

"Tired of Toein' the Line" is the title of a song written and performed by Rocky Burnette. The song became an international hit when released as a single in 1980.  The song's lyrics detail an imminent breakup.

By peaking at number eight on the Billboard Hot 100, "Tired of Toein' the Line" tied " Your're Sixteen" as the highest-charting Hot 100 single from a member of the Burnette family. The single was also #1 in Australia.





Credit: pmbloemYouTube
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